Spring Cleaning With The Cullens
by thesunshinekid
Summary: Exactly what kind of skeletons will Bella find in the Cullens' closets on the annual Spring Cleaning Day? Or, even worse, how far will the Cullens go to get rid of things?
1. Chapter 1: Alice

**Author's Note: Here I go again! I hope that you enjoy this set of humorous stories based on Bella's adventures on spring-cleaning day at the Cullen house. I own neither Twilight nor its respective characters.**

Chapter One:

Alice

"You guys seriously have a spring cleaning day?" I marveled at the thought. What ancient, unwanted treasures did the Cullens possess? I could only imagine the entertainment the next few hours would bring.

"Yes, we do." Edward affirmed from the driver's seat.

"And it only takes one day?" I queried.

"Vampires, silly," he reminded me with a laugh, and then stroked my cheek lovingly. "The family insists that you be there, to be instated into the yearly tradition."

"I'll need to thank them then," I said, before wondering aloud, "what useless things does dear Edward possess?"

"Very few," he replied, "I'm no pack rat."

"Because you're one-hundred percent perfect," I spoke sarcastically as he pulled up in front of the large house.

By way of convincing me, Edward leaned in and let the breath from his words linger near me, "Of course I am."

As I stepped out of the car, nothing quite in focus, Alice leapt off the porch with screams of joy.

"Oh, Bella, this is going to be more fun than makeovers and dress shopping and new shoes all combined! I'm so glad that you're here!" She grabbed my hand and we practically flew up the stairs. The rest of the family laughed from their positions in the hallway, and I swore that I heard Esme caution, "Alice, she's not quite as strong as you!"

But, of course, her words went unheeded.

OOOOOOOOO

"Try this on," Alice instructed, tossing me a green long sleeved blouse that must have cost her more than my car.

"Must I?" I complained, "The last fifty-six items you handed me didn't fit – what makes you think this one will?"

"I know that it will fit," she said, tapping her forehead meaningfully.

"Then why didn't you know that all the others wouldn't fit?" I glared, trying for at least a semblance of scary.

"I did!" She laughed her suddenly-obnoxiously-sweet giggle, "but it was so much fun to watch you try and put them on."

I grunted this time, the closest I could come to a growl, as she pulled out a box and began to fold the discarded clothes inside. I was pleased to find that the blouse fit perfectly, and I admired it in the mirror. Alice disappeared inside the closet, only to emerge a second later, carting three stuffed bags sporting designer labels.

"Oh no!" I shook my head exaggeratedly, trying futilely to get my point across. "That is never allowed."

"I didn't buy them for you!" She explained, with another silver giggle, "Edward did! I mean, I picked them out, but he approved them all and paid for them all."

"The purpose of that being?" I wondered.

"Because your boyfriend wanted to buy you pretty clothes," Alice sighed in frustration, "but that doesn't do much for his ego, so he had his shopaholic sister give them to you. Now, you associate the clothes with me. Duh!"

"Not following," I shook my head once more. She'd been speaking close to vampire speed.

"Just try them on." Alice insisted. "I promise you that you will love everything in those bags as much as you love that shirt – and don't deny that you do love it."

I slumped in defeat and didn't disagree, wondering where my beautiful boyfriend had disappeared to as I pulled the first item from the first bag. The simple denim jacket was practical, entirely my style. I noted that it would look very nice with the khaki Bermuda shorts in the bottom of the bag. Alice, super shopper extraordinaire, had once again won.

"Okay, that's the clothes done." Alice eventually called from the depths of her closet. "Let's tackle these boxes."

The first box she pulled out contained piles of sketchbooks, most missing their pages. Separating a pile for recycling, we moved onto the next box – stuffed animals.

"It turns out that Jasper's not a big fan of fake fur." She explained, holding up a soft ginger-colored puppy, "but isn't he just adorable?"

"He is," I nodded, separating into another pile all of the broken clothes hangers I'd come across.

"Take him!" She shoved the dog in my face, and then suggested, "Stay away from sharp edges. Put the stuffed toys into a box for charity."

"Are you sure Edward will approve of this highly ironic plush animal?" I asked, all the while shoving him in with the bags of new clothes. Edward wouldn't have to know.

By then, Alice had moved onto the last box – electronics, from what I could see.

"You need one of these." She said. I whirled around to explain that I didn't need anything, and that all the things that the Cullens forced upon me were purely luxuries. The words caught in my throat. Alice held a bubblegum pink Furby. It was speaking in gibberish – or Furbish, I suppose.

"He'll keep you company when Edward's off hunting," she said, shoving the miniature robot into my shaky hands.

At that moment, Jasper walked into the room and surveyed the progress. Noticing the fuzzy lump in my trembling arms, he chuckled.

"Thank goodness, you're getting rid of that thing. It hasn't shut up in years."


	2. Chapter 2: Emmett

**Author's Note: Hello again! I'm glad that you all could sympathize with the terrors of Furbies. In this chapter, Bella finds herself slightly insulted...**

Chapter Two:

Emmett

I stood looking at the immense, monstrous pile in front of me. "Why did you do that?" I asked.

Emmett just laughed. "Rose needed more space to get herself organized."

"Ah," I said, not really understanding, having not yet seen the contents of his wife's closet. Emmett pulled an item from the top of the mound.

"We shall start with baseball." He said, jokingly formally, while handing me a mitt. "Separate all the stuff by sport. Then I'll go through them."

By the time I'd finished pulling all of the baseball equipment into its own grouping, thankful that baseball was a sport I semi-understood, Emmett had finished categorizing the rest – football, soccer, tennis, hockey, and even water polo.

I had a hard time keeping up as we stuffed the sports gear into large black bags. Walking past, Edward reminded him that I wasn't quite "up to speed" yet. I reminded my overly smug boyfriend that currently, that was his fault, and he shut up.

When each pile was halved, Emmett set to work replacing the items he was keeping in shelves in his side of the closet. I surveyed the bags of discards – catcher's helmet and a football shoulder pads, shin guards and various other protective items. I looked again and realized that there was exactly one of each item. How was it possible that Emmett had duplicates of everything he owned, in pristine condition?

I asked him this as we sorted through video games, organizing them by year on shelves that reminded me somewhat of Edward's CD collection. I wasn't entirely sure what worth there was in having seventeen Star Wars games, and multiples of each for three different systems, but kept my thoughts to myself. This family was confusing enough as it was.

"Bella," Emmett seemed to ponder over the best way to phrase his answer, "since I do just 'happen' to have duplicates, what do you suppose that I do with them?"

"Why don't you give those things to orphaned children, so that they can play sports and get scholarships into Ivy League schools, thus making millions of dollars in the future to prevent the future generation from the same fate? You could be ending world hunger and saving millions of lives."

"Would you mind taking them off my hands for me? You could wear them whenever we happen to be playing a dangerous game, or any game at all for that matter, or even just around the house would be beneficial to you…"

"But the poor, underprivileged children!" I protested. I did not like to be given things, nor did I like my clumsiness to be insulted.

"Bella, you are a walking recipe for disaster. You need these more than any homeless kid without a family."

"You really don't need to save my life." I sighed. Did all vampires have a superhero complex?

"Oh yes, we do." Came a voice from inside the closet. Rosalie poked her head out and pointed to the bags. "Emmett, start hauling those down to the Volvo. They'll leave a stain on the carpet."

"Aye, aye, cap'n." He saluted, and then picked up all of the bags - and myself - before running out to the Volvo. I debated the usefulness of screaming, but just settled in for the bumpy ride. Those bags were not staying at my house for any length of time - I would have to take it upon myself to save the world.


	3. Chapter 3: Rosalie

**Author's note: I'm sorry that this has taken a while - here, Rosalie and Bella get to know each other better.**

Chapter Three:

Rosalie

I groaned as Emmett dumped me outside of Rosalie's closet. All of a sudden, he said, "Dude, calm down!" and I assumed that Edward had begun chastising him for maltreatment of humans, though I couldn't hear him. _My wonderful boyfriend…_

The closet door opened, and Rosalie burst out with a pile of clothes that she tossed to her husband. I was distracted, however, by the sheer immense size of her closet. There were department stores with a smaller selection.

I didn't notice that Rosalie had turned to me until she spoke. "Stop just standing there and close your mouth. Apparently, we're supposed to be 'bonding'."

She dragged me inside. "I have my clothes categorized by year. Esme says that I have to get rid of some this time, so you're going to have to help me decide what items are just plain embarrassing to own."

"What if something is going to come back in style?" I wondered, grimacing at the first rack I encountered. "Alice would be better help than I am."

The blonde beauty laughed. "Nothing ever comes back into style. Old styles are just updated; plus people would begin to wonder about the exceptionally young family dressing so very authentically vintage."

"Definitely not the first thing people would wonder about," I muttered, before remembering that she would hear me anyway. She must have chosen to ignore the comment, because she picked up a pair of penny loafers and tossed them in a black bag.

"That's a start." She sighed, surveying the clothes. I assumed that this many years' worth of clothes held just as many years' worth of stories.

I decided to take a shot at my hunch and picked up a tie-dye shirt. "I can't really see you in tie-dye."

"That shirt was a practical joke. I was criticizing Edward. He made one and left it in the front seat of my car, in plain view of the entire school." She reminisced. "Your boyfriend has a mean streak that you don't know about."

"I'll take that as a well-disguised piece of advice." I said. Glad that we could be comfortable with this conversation – while she talked about clothes, I learned more about the family that I loved.

"Of course, the fact that I can – and have – made his car exceptionally slow is payback enough." She added with a laugh, tossing a knit vest into the bag.

"Is there any way you can do it again, and soon?" I joked. "My father is the chief of police and my boyfriend is a speed demon."

We laughed, and Rosalie reminisced some more as we came across more diverse clothes. After a while, we fell into a comfortable silence.

"Is this ugly?" She asked, suddenly and in all honesty. It was a plain pink cotton skirt. I thought it looked comfortable, and I said so.

"It's kind of frumpy for nowadays." Rosalie decided, tossing the offending item into the black bag. She looked at my clueless face and sighed. "You are clueless when it comes to fashion, aren't you?"

I nodded sheepishly. Rosalie's face suddenly began to glow. "Do you read much?"

I nodded. Reading was 'my thing.'

She pulled me over to some shelves that served as a bookcase – and a catalogue of nearly one-hundred years worth of fashion magazines.

"Summer reading." She instructed. I shook my head, a look of pleading on my face.

"It's not exactly Edith Wharton or whatever," Rosalie said, with a toss of her golden hair, "But if you're going to hang with vampires – if you're going to _be _a vampire, then you've got to dress like one."

"Alice has already shopped for me," I explained, with a vague motion towards the front of the house, where Edward's car sat, full of shopping bags.

"But you'll never learn to make the right choices that way!" Rosalie said, piling magazines into my arms. "You need to be educated!"

I tried to explain, beginning to stagger under the weight of the growing pile of literature. "Edward's pretty set on me going to college –."

"You know nothing of fashion, of society!" She exclaimed, exasperated. After a few moments, she began again.

"Consider this an olive branch; a peace offering." I tilted my head, confused.

"You're going to be my little sister, so I'm obliged to make sure you know your way in the world."

I forgot my objections for a moment, realizing that this was the least spiteful thing that Rosalie had done since I'd met her brother.

"I'll read them." I acquiesced.

"Good!" She cried, picking up two boxes full of magazines and pulling me down to Edward's Volvo. "And since it's going to take you so long to read them, why don't I spend the time tweaking your truck?"

I held back a groan, reminding myself that I should take advantage of Nice Rosalie while I could. If I got on her good side, maybe she'd slow down the Volvo for me.

**Author's Note: Whoa! Another one at the end? I wanted to ask some questions to guide reviews - I think it might help me get some feedback in the future (and in the future, I'll ask more pointed questions about things that I'm concerned about). So: Is this actually funny at all? I realize that some of the humor is more subtle, but some ideas are more blatantly funny than others. And, is my "voice" too formal sounding at times, or is it easy enough to read? **


	4. Chapter 4: Esme

**Author's Note: ****What's this? ****Another update so soon?****The absolute barrage of emails I've received since last night was awesome (and a little overwhelming!) I know that a few of you are eager to get to Jasper's closet, but I do have a somewhat logical order to this madness.**

**Also, if you are enjoying this, I have two other stories on here that I'd love to get more feedback on. **

**In this chapter, Bella finds herself in peril – from the tool shed.**

Chapter Four:

Esme

"You need to get more fresh air," The 'mother' of the Cullen family commented as we walked out to her tool shed. "Edward keeps you far too cooped up."

"I don't mind." I said as we entered the building, almost as large as my house. It was filled with everything from flower pots to an antique sewing machine. I felt more than a little intimated at the hammers, nails, drills, and soldering irons. I could easily die just considering the dangers this miniature warehouse possessed.

"Okay," said Esme as she surveyed the area, seeing the fear on my face. "Why don't you carry the stacks of empty paint cans to the dumpster outside?"

I quickly agreed and tried to lift a few cans in each arm, only to discover that my human strength had failed me once again – I would need to carry them one at a time. I made my way to the rented dumpster, already filled with the clippings and throwaways of Esme's earlier work that day.

Halfway across the lawn, I took a moment to breathe; it was hot out today. I lost all breath, however, when a stone angel appeared in front of me.

"Edward!" I yelled in surprise. I was thankful that I had just set down the paint can; my toes were already aching from an unfortunate accident on the stairs this morning.

"I don't know if this is the best place for you to be helping." He looked me in the straight in the eyes, daring me to disagree.

"All I'm doing is moving empty paint cans." I explained. "And as long as you don't pop up in front of me like that again, I won't be getting hurt."

He nodded and left, but not without a cautionary expression across his perfect features. I finished my trip to the dumpster, mentally praising the beautiful and caring wonder that was Edward, before I realized that I, yet again, had no idea where he was or what he was up to.

"Do you like working outdoors?" Esme asked as I retrieved the next empty paint can.

"I've never had much of a yard," I admitted, with a hint of sadness in my voice. Every little kid wants to grow up with the pretty lawn behind the picket fence where they can run through the sprinklers and play with the dog. Right?

"Maybe I can help," she suggested. I nodded in acknowledgement, but moved outdoors before she could finish. The Cullens made a habit of doing too much for me. I hoped that I hadn't seemed rude.

Esme was still flitting around, moving objects heavier than four humans could carry, when I returned.

"Would you like to try and keep a flower bed?" She suggested, as turned again for the door. The idea did strike my fancy – Charlie would certainly appreciate the home-y touches.

"That sounds fun," I nodded, turning to face her. "I would need help, though."

"Don't hesitate to ask!" She sounded overjoyed that I'd taken to her suggestion. _Maybe a little too enthusiastic – _but I shook off the thought. Caring as she was, Esme was the one Cullen with the least sinister intentions when it came to "giving Bella stuff".

When I came back for the last can, I found her carting a box of gardening supplies.

"I'm going to leave this out here. Why don't you take it to the car when you're done? You've got three different packets of seeds, with instructions on the back – you're a smart girl, but if you've got problems I'm as good a flower diagnostician as my husband is a human diagnostician. There's a trowel in there and a hoe in case the ground is tough. No need to make that face, Bella, I've put some gloves in here as well!"

I tried not to laugh at the somewhat questionable name of a gardening tool in front of the oblivious vampire. I took a deep, calming breathe as I made the last trip to the dumpster, slightly envious that neither my boyfriend nor his family could sweat.

Suddenly, Alice ran out to me, and I did drop the paint can on my toes.

"Alice!" I groaned, sitting down to massage my ailing feet.

"I need the keys to your truck." She said, bouncing like a four-year-old getting a balloon animal.

"No," I replied, semi-automatically. I had vowed never to let a vampire drive my vehicle again; Edward had pushed it to its limits one too many times. He claimed that the creakings and groanings were a sign of old age, but I reminded him that he was one to talk when it came to old age; he'd used the word "antithesis" in casual conversation earlier that week, and thrown Mike Newton into a dictionary-wild-goose-chase frenzy.

"Bella, we're running out of space in Edward's Volvo, and you don't like Emmett's Jeep." I turned warily towards where the silver car was parked. The black bags, boxes, and other loose items had increased exponentially in the short time I'd been out here.

"I have no need for a massage chair." I stated plainly. Complaining didn't work with these vampires.

Apparently, neither did reason. "Charlie does."

"And won't he wonder where it came from? Where all of this came from?" I raised my voice slightly.

Jasper must have noticed my irritation from inside the house, because I lost the urge to keep fighting.

By the time I made my way back to the tool shed, there was no longer just a box sitting there. Rakes, shovels, hedge clippers and a weed-whacker all sat waiting for me.

Edward appeared beside me once again.

"You can't give her a shovel!" He shouted, loud enough that I could hear.

"Thanks –." I began, glad that my boyfriend was considering my wishes for once.

" - She'll hit herself on the head with it! Or trip over it! And a rake? She'll end up with millions of cuts all over her, instead of just one. She'll cut her fingers off with the hedge clippers, and lose her feet to the weed-whacker. This is ridiculous."

"She wants to do some gardening." Esme replied calmly from inside.

"I'm not happy about this." He folded his arms.

"Me neither." I folded my arms to match his. _I can't be angry at my wonderful, slightly overprotective but in a good I-know-he-loves-me way boyfriend__ even though I was slightly insulted, but his __amazing eyes – even when he's mad -__ totally make up for it _-

"Oh, thank goodness, Alice has gone to get your truck." Esme noted as she walked backwards from the shed, dragging something ominously large with her. "Wouldn't it look odd if we had to walk the lawn mower all the way to your house?"

Jasper must have still been working his magic, because I no longer had the heart to tell his mother that we didn't even have a lawn.


	5. Chapter 5: Carlisle

**Author's Note: A special thanks to Ame Warashi for the idea for this chapter**** – Carlisle was tougher than I anticipated. Thanks to LovinTopazEyes91 for the inspiration for the gift in this chapter - and thanks to everyone else that came up with ideas! ****Also, to passionfornight, for giving me the best review I've ever received – thank you!**** In this chapter, Bella manages to find danger in the most mundane of activities.**

Chapter Five:

Carlisle

Edward thought that helping a medical expert would be the safest activity for me, so I was stuck standing in Dr. Cullen's office, while he tried to decide how I could help, and subsequently appease his neurotic son.

"I really don't mind, Carlisle," I began, trying to relieve the awkwardness. "Edward's just freaking out over nothing."

Carlisle chuckled, "Over you, not over nothing."

We stood there, surveying the already-pristine room. After five minutes, Edward rushed in and stood threateningly close to his father.

"Nothing heavy." He growled.

"Books aren't heavy." Carlisle commented, but then turned to me, and seemed to make a mental note. "Okay, maybe books are heavy."

"Thank you." He said, turning to the door.

"Now then," Carlisle began, but was once more interrupted by Edward's reminder.

"Something safe!"

Eventually, Dr. Cullen pointed to some file cabinets. "Why don't you start in the top one, and for each folder, separate anything over ten years old into that box."

I nodded and made my way to the back wall. The cabinets were taller than they looked – threateningly taller. I took a deep breath and stood to my tiptoes, reaching for the handle of the top drawer.

I expected a drawer filled with files to be heavy, so I gave the handle a good yank – sending the heavy metal drawer flying into my forehead, which in turn sent me flying into a bookcase.

"Bella!" I heard Carlisle and Edward scream simultaneously. I made a move to sit up, only to find a cold hand holding me down.

"Stay outside Edward," Carlisle warned, though my boyfriend didn't need to hear it – I'm sure the entire house could smell the blood dripping from my aching forehead.

I groaned as I tried to sit up when Carlisle moved to find his medical bag – lovingly dubbed "the Bella bag" by Emmett. Not only did I have a bleeding forehead and a satisfied neurotic boyfriend who stood in the hallway thinking about drinking me dry; I had a headache.

"How are you doing?" Carlisle asked as he returned, cleaning my cut and making me lie back down.

"You wouldn't happen to have any aspirin?" I pleaded, making the mistake of looking up at the doctor, who was now busy fixing my forehead. I closed my eyes and willed the smell to go away, but couldn't. I marveled at the irony – both Edward and I were in agony because I was bleeding.

"Do you feel like you're going to pass out?" Carlisle asked in his kindly bedside-manner voice. I grunted in response, unable to form a coherent answer to his question.

Moments later, I found myself being carried to a plush leather chair, and I opened my eyes to find my boyfriend entering the room with a glass of water and some Tylenol.

"My hero," I muttered gratefully before I swallowed and took a deep breath. Esme was already in the back of the room, cleaning any residual blood from my accident, and Carlisle was putting away his bag.

"You are a danger to yourself," Edward laughed dryly, glaring at his father.

"I think I'm more of a danger to everyone else," I commented, as the vampires scurried around me.

"Let's just hope that you don't have a concussion," Edward said, his cool hand relieving the burning sensation from where I'd received the stitches.

After a half hour, Edward returned to whatever had kept him occupied all day – possibly finding a way to stuff all of my hand-me-downs from his family into his car and my truck. Esme had finished cleaning, and I was grateful for the overwhelming smell of bleach, instead of the nauseating smell of my own blood.

Carlisle opened each drawer and stacked the files for me, in order to avoid another mishap, and returned to a small cupboard next to his bookshelves. I realized that the pile reached well over my head, and sighing, stood on my tiptoes once more to pluck a file from the top.

Unfortunately, neither I nor the stack of papers had as wonderful balance as rest of the house's inhabitants. As I fell amidst a sea of papers, I heard a distraught yell from the door, "She's drowning!"

There was plenty of noise as seven vampires hurried into the room and attempted to offset the effects of stampeding paperwork. As the dust cleared, I found myself being pulled from the mess by a worried looking Esme. I sat down away from the paper mountain, representing the death of several Bolivian rain forests, and caught my breath. When I looked up, I smiled sheepishly at the six pairs of worried eyes. Surprised, I turned and find the seventh kindly vampire crouching next to me.

"Bella," Dr. Cullen began, "ironically enough, I didn't intend to be one of the masses showering you with gifts today, but I did buy this for you last week."

I looked at what he held in his hands – a white plastic box with a red cross adorning the top.

"Thank you!" I surprised myself by hugging my benefactor, genuinely grateful for the gift. After all, I am a danger to myself.


	6. Chapter 6: Jasper

**Author's Note: Here it is - the chapter that you've all been waiting for! No, not Edward (that'll be a doozy), but several Jasper fans have been a little too excited about this one. Thanks to VampireScooby for portions of this chapter. And, the last chapter is being post-postedly dedicated to Diddly, who relates too well to Bella's predicament. ****A very special thanks to everyone that reviewed – I have been inundated with emails, which is awesome. ****Also, thanks to ****epiphanyaella98** **for her suggestion!** **In this chapter, Bella realizes that she's only human**** – for now**

Chapter Six:

Jasper

I stared in shock. To start with, I had no taste for this type of thing – I wasn't a guy. Secondly, and thankfully, there was no more room in either Edward's or my car. I told Jasper this.

"I need to get rid of these." He moaned. Alice snickered from next to me – I wasn't allowed to be left alone with her husband, in case my clumsy streak got the better of me.

"And there's nowhere that you can donate these too – or even sell them for large sums of money?" I suggested, trying to avoid the inevitable give-Bella-stuff-syndrome that was going around.

You see, until five minutes ago, I had no idea that Jasper was a closet comic book fan. He had everything – Spiderman, Batman, and various other superheroes that had fallen into vats of toxic waste. Not only was his collection both complete and in perfect condition, it covered a vast array of languages. An entire bookcase full of comic books was more intimidating than the average vampire; I couldn't understand why Jasper would want to pass these onto me.

"Maybe Charlie would like them?" He suggested, strangely desperate to get them off his hands.

"Charlie is a bit old for comics." I replied, not doubting that my father would love them – but, at this rate, we'd need to buy a bigger house.

Defeated, Jasper moved further into his library.

"So, what's your favorite subject in school?"

"Umm," I replied, following him into the stacks, "I like English – reading and such."

"Oh! Good!" Jasper cheered, and I worried for a second.

"You know," He began, sitting in a big armchair in the center of the room and motioning for me to do the same. "Education isn't what it used to be. I mean, it's free and all now, and sure, you as a female can go to college – but they teach you all the wrong things!"

"Wrong things?" I was surprised – sure, I could see no personal logical use for trigonometry, but I thought I had received a well-rounded education.

"You haven't been so much as exposed to the great thinkers, to the Greeks and Romans – to the dramas and myths and the very makings of human development! To culture! To Freud! To Thoreau! To Voltaire! To Da Vinci and Descartes and Dvorak!"

"Oh," I said, unsure how to respond to Jasper's impassioned speech.

"You're a smart girl – I could teach you! We will start with languages, phonetics, word roots!" My mouth dropped open.

"Well, I do have forever to learn, but right now I'm struggling through Spanish…" I trailed off, unsure of how to reply politely.

Jasper moved too quickly for my eyes to follow. I looked to Alice, who shrugged – she hadn't seen this coming. He returned with a book.

"Machiavellian politics, for starters." He handed me an aged volume. I wondered, as I took it into my clumsy hands, if it would crumble on contact. Thankfully, it didn't, and I opened to the first page.

"Jasper?" I called to the quickly-moving vampire, "This is in Italian."

"Oh," he said, unfazed. He handed me a copy of Voltaire's _Candide,_ in the original French.

"I don't speak French either." I shook my head, somewhat sadly. I had enjoyed the English translation that we had read in my literature class, but I was sure that Jasper's political and philosophical discussions would be more interesting than Mike Newton's analysis of whether Kristin Chenoweth was too pretty to be an accurate representation of Miss Cunegonde (I was pretty sure that he hadn't read the book, and instead just watched the Leonard Bernstein version – he didn't realize that there wasn't actually a chapter in the book named "Glitter and Be Gay").

He looked a little sad too, "You've read it in English anyway." He then handed me a copy of _Walden_. I sighed in relief – an American philosopher.

As I was looking at the book, Jasper began rummaging in a large oak desk in the corner of the room, looking for something.

"I bought everyone one of these for Christmas, but you weren't around, so you can have it now."

"Thanks," I said, skeptical. Jasper dropped something into my palm – a mood ring.

"Oh!" I cried, once again not too upset at the somewhat practical gift. "A mood ring – that's too perfect!"

"You do have a good sense of humor," he commented. "Edward didn't even smile when I gave him his. But, back then, it was perpetually black."

I didn't know how to respond to that – the thought brought back unpleasant memories. Jasper noticed and quickly moved on.

"Do you know Plato? Aristotle? Homer?" He asked, piling some books into my arms.

"Thanks," I stuttered, "This is really great and all, and you're the first person I'd come to about philosophy or psychology or any other 'ology' I could think of."

"But?" He prodded, resigning himself to the facts that fate didn't seem to want us to be close friends. Strangely, I found myself almost too happy to tell the well-intentioned vampire no.

Alice snickered from somewhere in the room. My sentence came out rushed – I wondered that even a vampire could hear it.

"I don't read Latin." I sounded too giddy. I hesitated for a second, realizing my soon-to-be-brother's trick. "Yet."

**Author's Note: Next chapter, we find ourselves in our final and favorite character****'****s closet. ****This chapter was a toughie – was it too hard to follow, or were some of my references a little obscure (especially the ****one about Candide)? Finally, Seul Lune has written some great advice for things we all wished we knew when starting out writing fanfiction - check it out!**


	7. Chapter 7: Edward

**Author's Note: ****I do apologize for the delay – I have chronic fatigue syndrome, and all of my plans were interrupted when, ****a few days ago****, my body decided to**** absolutely crash;**** by even**** writing this I am defying the exhaustion (and the headaches). ****This chapter is by far the most ****ridiculous, but I felt that Edward needed his day in court (so to speak), so this is in his point of view****. A****s ****Stephenie**** Meyer has stated (and sorry if I'm**** bursting anyone's bubble), ****Edward does lie. As it turns out, not only is he a pack rat, but he might be worse than the rest of them put together!**

Chapter Seven:

Edward

I heard her heartbeat before I heard her voice. I could smell her enticing blood long before she entered the room. For a moment, I forgot myself, before I realized the state of my normally-pristine room. I had told Bella that I was the neatest of the Cullen's – and my beautiful lady believed me. She was three steps from the door now, providing me just enough time to gather the assorted mess from my floor and stuff it into the already heaving closet.

I straightened my face as she entered the room with my brothers at her heels. I was confused for a moment, until I saw a rather untimely tragedy via Alice's mind.

"Hello again," I spoke into Bella's ear as I simply kissed her cheek. The less mocking I had to suffer from my brothers, the better. "How was your day?"

She grinned cheekily. What had they put her up to? I reached out, only to find blocked minds. "It was very good. I just had a delightful afternoon tea with Esme. She made the most amazing cheesecake."

Now I knew that something was up – Bella wasn't one for idle chit chat.

"I think," I spoke, trying not to give away my suspicions, "That I enjoyed cheesecake as a human, too."

"Silly Edward," she laughed, and my heart soared, "everyone loves cheesecake."

I tried to piece things together. My brothers were here, so I'm sure that there was a bet of some sort involved. Bella had turned my pet name for herself upon me – meaning that they intended that I receive my comeuppance.

"So, what's up?" I tried to sound casual, but the smirk on Emmett's face told me that I was caught – I rarely used contemporary human slang, unless I was particularly nervous.

"Well," Bella began, taking a seat on my couch, "I've been wondering what you were up to all day. My first guess was that you left me to bond with your family; however, Jasper here mentioned, over cheesecake and iced tea, that you're actually quite the hoarder."

I shook my head in confusion for a moment. "Jasper was eating cheesecake?"

"That's a manipulative girl you've got there." Jasper nodded, "we have a deal. I ate the cheesecake, she becomes my student."

I didn't like the sound of that. "So you decided to slander my good name while you were the one consuming two-hundred-and-fifty calories per slice?"

"It's not slander if it's true." Emmett grinned. His mind was now checking off the seemingly worthless items that were stuffed into my closet.

"We decided," Bella spoke, and I sat next to her, hoping my closer presence would addle her enough to deter her from this disgusting plot. "That the only way to find out is to open your closet."

"If we win the bet, we pay for Bella's college education." Jasper explained.

"And if you win?" I looked into my angel's eyes for any sign of disapproval. Sadly, she was entirely invested in this little game.

"Well, I said to myself, my Edward wouldn't lie to me," her tone was doused in sarcasm, "so, should I win, I will be in no way obliged to keep the stuff that now sits in the driveway, awaiting removal to Charlie's house."

At that moment, I knew that I was between a rock and a very full closet. The worst part was that my brothers knew that I fully approved of the bet – but the terms were at the expense of my calm and collected façade. Was I willing to let Bella see the part of me that she herself had created – the mess and confusion in my life?

"Go ahead," I said with a sigh. Bella moved towards the door, gripped the handle, and I was hit with the full weight of Alice's vision.

"No!" I screamed, but it was too late.

My Bella was buried in clothes, books, and other assorted mementos.

Carlisle came in quickly, and soon there were four male vampires tossing my belongings in every direction, digging Bella out. When her face finally emerged, she was breathing raggedly and searching the room for my face.

I froze as she spoke the words that sealed my fate. "You rotten cheat."

And then she burst out laughing.

OOOOOOOOO

We'd been sitting on the floor for a half hour, doing very little other than laughing. I must admit that, embarrassing as the situation was, I was glad for Bella to know about the pack rat side of me. It was, after all, her fault; last spring-cleaning day, I had missed her so much that I'd been unable to get rid of the many things I'd suddenly accumulated – the many things that reminded me of her. I told her this.

"The crazy thing," Bella replied, "was that I knew that you weren't completely honest with me over some things, but really, it's perfectly okay – even expected – for a teenage boy to be more than a little messy."

"I'm truly sorry," I said, before falling into a laughing fit again. Bella had picked up a tie-dye t-shirt, and from the look on her face I'm sure she was remembering the tale Rosalie had spun earlier.

"Would you like it?" I asked breathing heavily from the laughter, "Tie-dye is everyone's color."

"How about not," Bella scrunched up her nose and moved to put it in a black bag.

"You could sleep in it." I suggested, rather suddenly. Bella tilted her head in confusion.

"For the nights when I'm gone, hunting or such," I explained. It was an odd high school tradition – the boy giving his girlfriend a token of his affection, but I could suddenly understand wanting her to hold onto a piece of my life – the way she held onto my entire being.

Bella nodded as she set the shirt aside. "I think that's the only thing I've been given today that I truly like."

"Except that it's tie-dye," I said. After the prank I had pulled on Rosalie years ago, a second tie-dye shirt had been passed around the family; every Christmas, the current holder would present it to another family member. No one wanted it, and I was sure that no one else would mind if it retired into Bella's hands.

"The only person that sees me sleep, aside from yourself, is Charlie – and he still thinks that tie-dye is 'in.'" She explained, "I'm all set."

We worked in silence for a few minutes, before Bella turned to me – I battled the overwhelming scent of her swinging hair – and asked, "What's this?"

She held a C.D., the case slightly cracked from its earlier tumble, adorned with the faces of five eager British pop stars.

"You told me once that you listened to the Spice Girls in elementary school," I explained, before a joke hit me, "and, you know, I had a bit of a thing for Posh spice – but she's married anyway."

"You're too funny," Bella shook her head, a smile playing across her perfect lips, as she stood up, "And you shouldn't be ashamed of this – put it in your racks."

I obliged, finding it a home with the rest of the 90s pop. "Whipped!" I heard from down the hall – Emmett must have been listening. I chose to ignore the comment.

"What other embarrassing things do you own?" She asked, jokingly searching the room.

"Well," I pretended to look thoughtful, before handing her a pair of oversized bug-eyed sunglasses. "I wore these once upon a time."

Bella held them away from her as if they smelled of manure, before stuffing them into a black bag. "What else?"

I laughed. "I think I'm next in line to hold our insanely large comic book collection."

"Like the one Jasper piled into my passenger seat?" She asked.

"Yes!" I cried, jumping up and startling her. I sat back down, slowly, and explained, "Carlisle started that collection years ago, and we all got really into it. Now, we're just sick of them, but a little scared to get rid of all the hard work."

"Wow." Bella said, her mouth hanging open. "Though, that doesn't really explain why Emmett's jeep is currently being filled with the remainder of your family's hand-me-downs."

"They're just a little enthusiastic, is all." I explained. "We normally give to a charity, but I guess this year we're mixing it up a little."

"So I'm a charity case now?" Bella was irritated. I decided to use the extent of my vampire charm.

"We just care about you. We want to spoil you – just let us have our fun." I breathed into her face, almost making her faint.

"You're not very fair." She complained, after regaining her senses. "You know what that does to me."

We finished clearing up the room, and I moved the black bags to the dumpster we'd rented. When I returned, I found Bella in the closet, perusing a stack of books.

"I read as many books as I could by every author that you said you liked." I explained, reading her expression. "You have good taste."

"Yes I do," she teased, reaching up to kiss my cheek. "I can't believe you did that for me."

"Eternity is pretty boring," I joked. My afterlife had been anything but boring after Bella had barreled her way into my heart.

"Are you going to try to give me anything else," she asked, "or am I free to go home and start finding various charitable causes throughout the state?"

I knew exactly what I wanted to give her. The fact that I'd purchased her a car for her eighteenth birthday had managed to slip by her radar.

"I believe that your _truck,_" I layered extra disdain on the word, "will be lucky if it makes it home tonight. I have four cars, and I cannot exactly drive them all simultaneously…"

"Rosalie has been kind enough to take on the challenge this summer," she explained, "of improving my truck."

"Well, you're going to need transportation," I coaxed. "I have one very simple car, stylish but safe – you might like it."

"Alice already told me that you bought me a car," Bella spoke in a scornful voice, "even though I asked you not to."

"We could keep it here," I almost pleaded. The possibilities for injury that her truck presented were endless. I shuddered at the thought.

Bella looked me in the eye, as if she might wear me down. Ironically though, I could tell that my own eyes were weakening her resolve, and she finally conceded.

"Just while Rosalie is working on my truck."

I smiled. Bella didn't realize that it would take my sister a long time to acquire the parts needed for such an ancient vehicle. She'd be driving the sporty little blue Audi for a long time.

**Author's Note: I hope that this chapter was up to par – it's the longest yet, and it's not only Edward's closet but also his point of view. Did I do his character justice? ****Coming soon: the epilogue – back at Bella's house.**


	8. Epilogue: Bella

**Author's Note: Ah, the final chapter. I pulled a Bella, and have welcomed back my repetitive sprain on my left wrist, so I write this in mild agony. In this chapter, Bella surveys her new acquisitions.**

Epilogue:

Bella

I heard the phone ringing from inside the house as I approached the front door. I took a deep breath, climbing over the lawn mower, garden tools, and piles of sod in our front yard. I had to make my way around a stack of boxes before I could even see the door handle.

The door only opened about a foot, so I tentatively shoved my left tennis shoe inside, and shimmied into the house. I came face to face with a stack of magazines as tall as I was, and next to it more stacks of comic books; I had drowned in the literature more than once – they had to go. I closed the door behind me and sidestepped my way into the middle of the hall. The phone had long ago stopped ringing.

"Dad?" I called. I could barely see the stairway for a pile of black bags, and the kitchen was hidden behind boxes of tools.

"In the front room!" Charlie replied. I could hear the sportscaster announce the score on the brand new, high-definition television. When I scrambled my way into the room, I found my father sitting in luxury in a massage chair, eating a slice of pizza and watching the game.

"Dr. Cullen just called, and I had to thank him for being so generous." He said, with a sip from a can of coke.

"Too generous," I grumbled, picking up a slice of pizza from the box on the highly polished and previously unused coffee table.

"How did your lessons go?" Charlie asked a few minutes later.

"Fine," I answered, not wishing to discuss them. Charlie believed that Jasper Hale was tutoring me in Calculus, since he'd returned from college early, and my current math grades weren't too promising. I couldn't tell him that I was actually learning the foundations of Latin, since Jasper was supposed to be far too young to be familiar with the language. But, as he promised me at least twice every hour, "it will become a brilliant base for all of the romantic languages!"

Jasper was a bit too excited about the prospect of a protégé, and to be quite honest, I was a little overwhelmed. I certainly wouldn't be bored for the next few decades.

Something struck me, as I finished up my pizza. "What was Car – Dr. Cullen, calling for?"

"He said that Edward had told him about a scholarship you had won, and wanted to congratulate you."

I groaned aloud. The Cullens still insisted on paying for college – even though I wasn't actually going. "I'll see you later."

I maneuvered my way past an industrial-sized vacuum cleaner, over a soccer goal, and up the stairs. When I reached my own room, I turned sideways, took a few steps backwards, and ran into the door with all of my weight.

At the exact same moment that a tiny, black-haired vampire opened the door.

"Alice!" I hissed, as I fell into the room, tripping over piles of clothing.

"You would have broken your arm otherwise." She explained, plopping herself on my bed. "You wanted my help?"

"I need to organize things into what I'm going to sell versus donate." I explained. Her face fell. I'm sure she would have rather heard, "I need to replace my Coach purse, what are your opinions on Prada versus Louis Vuitton?"

"And what you're going to keep." Alice added, looking hopeful.

"That list will be very short," I cautioned. "We can start up here, I suppose. We'll choose which clothes I will actually wear, and which you're going to return."

Alice grunted.

"Afterwards, we'll move onto the landing, working downwards. Otherwise we'll never get out alive." The thought of it all gave me a headache.

"How did your lesson go?" She chirped as we picked through the first bag of clothes.

"Like you don't already know," I laughed. Alice smiled cheekily and we continued to wordlessly argue over the "keep" and "discard" piles.

"Your father was excited to know that he wouldn't have to give up his retirement to send you to college."

"Because I'm actually going to college," I said sarcastically.

"Eventually," Alice smiled. She agreed with me over Edward about timing.

"Did you know," I decided, surveying the room, "that if I was to sell all of this stuff, I could more than pay for college, Charlie's retirement, and feed a third world country?"

Alice ignored the comment, instead asking, "Did you finish reading the magazines Rosalie gave you?"

I nodded. "Has she finished with the truck?"

"Not yet," Alice replied, with a mischievous gleam in her golden eyes. I doubted that Rosalie would ever finish with the truck.

At the end of the evening, I sat back, watching as Emmett and Edward loaded the jeep with items bound for the Salvation Army.

"So," Alice began, "Do you think that you'll join us for our annual house redecoration?"

I shuddered. Even though coming from Alice's sweet mouth, those words sounded deadly.

**Afterword:**

**My dear readers! It's been wonderful writing this story – I had a lot of fun trying to focus on the characters, and what they would have collected over the years. Hopefully it was funny – that's what I was aiming for. I don't honestly remember where the idea came from, or why I decided to pursue it – and the plot changed a lot by the time I actually got to this point! I have received so many emails with new story alerts or author alerts and reviews, I've been very excited. And I realize that as is mainly the case, I receive about twenty times the number of views for a chapter as I do reviews, but it's still really encouraging to know that people are reading – and liking! – ****my**** story.**

**Finally, do not despair; if you truly loved this story, it is not the end of the Spring ****Cleaning**** series. Look out for the one-shot "Spring Cleaning with the Volturi"****, and possibly in the very distant future, "Spring Cleaning with the Pack"****. There will be plenty more from me soon; I am currently writing a longer ****fic****, and have a list of one-shots I want to write for when I hit a wall of writers block. Also look out for another story that I will be co-writing, which is sadly currently untitled. If you just cannot wait until then, feel free to read and review my two other published stories.**

**So, I wanted to know what you all thought: Which was your favorite chapter/closet, and why? Is there anything that you think I could work on?**

**Muchas**** gracias, merci beaucoup, and thanks a lot for reading.**

**Cheerio! **

**Judith, a.k.a. ****thesunshinekid**


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